Lazy Love

Feelings are for the moment

For me they last for ever 

Most people desegregate

But I become intimate

The climate is dry

Feelings allow me to be

Spirit just follows me

So matter how it looks

I know how it will always be

Security is scary

Insecurity is petrifying

The unknown is daring

Routine is boring

Comfort is far from real

Phony is evident  

Real smiles arent hidden

But when you do things out of spite 

You never win

Find yourself

Making a point

But your never on

Love will drive you crazy

Especially when is LAZY

Somethings you just know!

When your spirit speaks to you
You listen
Love is out here on a mission
Beautiful as it is
The purity of it
Ill place nothing above
I just wanna reach out and hug it
I did the right thing
Loved the right way
Cant blame me this time
Sometimes things happen
Just as hard as it is
Its just that easy
Im eased see
Sometimes your heart just knows
Glad I let go
Flourish
Live

Peak

Its my fault cause I pressed the issue
Understanding now that
We literally cant be friends
Knowing whole heartily
That I selfishly wanted you apart of my life
Because of my relationship with LOVE
But just realizing my love is top strong
And crippling to thee
So ill bow out
Comprehending that my position
Is null and void
Acceptance is my new path
I apologize for the stance I've taken
Growing and Learning I can admit
Something I have mistaken
I know whats real
Thats beyond clear
No malice
All love
Just realization over here

Control

New day
New light
Love remains
Its such a beautiful thing
Platonic love seems to come
With unwanted boundaries
But who are we
To control
Love
When clearly it controls
Thee, Him, Her And me
Selfishly 

Living

Change is hard
Growing old is hard
Learning and acceptance
Is the path that I am now on
Trying to find a snug place to fit
In this world so big yet so small
What is meant for me
I don't need it all
But sometimes I don't know what I need
Floating seems to be the role I play best
Sometimes I feel like
My presence is not needed
Like I could help better from a distance
Of non existence
I could help more people if im a spirit
It would also upset less people if I weren't 
In human form
Less dissapoinment
Everyone loves
The ones that have passed on 
Just a thought
Or my secret reality
Trying to hold myself down
With no gravity
Grasping the air
Knowingly
But
Thats
Life.

My Current Situation

Who I use to be

I'm not who I use to be
So I gotta stop acting like it

Soft spots
Unspoken words
Lingering thoughts
Unfinished
Conversations that are one sided
You don't owe me
So while do I feel like I owe you
When I know that's not true
So much fuel but no fire
Unless its your sign
Spoken words
But where is the time
1000 Good mornings
But no response
I cool with that
I just cant fall back

I'm not who I use to be
So I gotta stop acting like it

My core will never change
I have just enhanced my capabilities
My future is my responsibility
I never needed so whats different now
I will set my own standard
I cant expect people to show up for me
But I will respect you from a distance
I will not be loved with resistance
If you cant embrace me
Then erase me

I'm not who I use to be
So I gotta stop acting like it

I'm more agile
My hearts bigger
My mind is sharper
My senses are wider

I'm not who I use to be
So I gotta stop acting like it

But why do I expect more?

Long Day

Swaying through

So much to do 

Never enough time

I need too present myself

With a present

Move slowly 

For me

Scanning my mental

Rolerdex

With optimism

That I have completed

The days goals

I came and I saw 

But which way did I go

Breath has been taking from me 

But I can still breath

Or can I?

Striving for my get away

But I love where I stay

I lay my burdens at me feet

I will deal with them another day

Curious

Every word

In every song is 

Digested

I wonder 

Are you singing to me

Are you thinking of me

I listen so carefully

Not missing a word

Imagine you singing 

To me freely

At least thats what I think

But if not

Dont tell me diffent

Ill just listen

And continue 

Listing all my favs

Thinking about 

Late nights

Memories under the stars

Thats where they live

And more often then not

I like to vist

I smile with my whole

Being listening 

I can feel 

I see

I can smell

I just wonder 

Paramour

You every been on the boat
Back and fourth
You know the one at the amusement park
But the feel isn't to amusing
The initial sway is fun
I love going up
But I hate coming down \
That how I  feel everyday
On edge
Waiting
Restlessly
Constantly
Consistency deserves consistency
But once again thats one sided
Let me pump my breaks
Yeah I tried it
Its hard
Taking the backseat
Hell im in the trunk
Just waiting for you
To remember im there
But I know my place
Ill be waiting for you
To come and pop the
Trunk if only for a moment
Ill be waiting
I hate being on other peoples time
But this time I promised myself
I would be diffrent
But how
Impulse is a bitch

Hear That

This thing is tricky
Trying to stay out
Of a sticky situation
You know that one that causes
An eruption
Trying to tame the volcano
From emploding
Im overloading
Which way to go then
I just go up
And shut it down
Nothing left
Like a lost town
But beyond it all
I hear a faint sound
That cant be
What I think
So I take a min and stop
Frequency so high my
Brains bout to pop
Close my eyes dont move
I come to a stand still if
I listen too close it will all
Become real again

Just my Thoughts

Word Feud
But we not feuding
Trying to find the right words
With out misusing
Trying to be
Respectful
But my mind has so many thoughts
Feelings
Trying to find the right vowle
Fuck it ill just swap
Just to keep the attention of my opponent
I got words
But imma save em
So keep passing so
The game will go
Faster
Undivided
All for me
Even if its moments
Ill take em see
Im easily pleased
I slipped up
But im back on track
Everyone
Cant handle my honesty
So I can only be me with them
At least there I can be free

Split

Trying to not be sucked in
By the vortex
That seems to have a hold on me
Once its lifted it hard to control
Mind racing so much anticipation
Waiting
Like I dont have a life
Making space
Clearing time
Ready to move at the drop of the dime
Most dont realize
That gravity comes in different forms
As do magnetic forces
Once they have gotten
In a space
The pull is undeniable
How do I pull away from
This familiar place
Of empty space filled with
All the things I cant see
In the light of dark
All it took was one spark
My dreams
My being

42 songs later

There is so much space in my head
For all the things that I cant have
42 songs later and I've lived the perfect life
I seen the first dance
Rice being thrown
I looked down and seen
The bump
I looked into the eyes of love
And cried the longest tear of joy
Leaving all my fears at the alter
I see the white fence
I can feel myself waking up
Making breafast
By song 26
Making love becomes more
Then just making love
Disagreements become
Distant
But not at all non existant
Kids grown and out the house
Work is close to retirement
By song 39
Love has showed all side
Good
Bad
Ugly
But though it all
Everything still exist
Promises made
And are kept
My happily ever after
42 songs later
I have lived the best lifetime
In my head
With no objections
Something I do quite often..

Music

Each song hits me
The melody surrounds me
Swallowing me up into endless
Memories
Every verse of every hits
And consumes me
One tear falls down
Maybe even more
Next fills my ears
With too much reality

My goodness Ginuwine
Takes me back in time
An emotional roller coaster
Singing everything I feel
The jagged edges of my heart
Being to pierce my soul
Re living all things that make me whole

New music brings new emotions
But the same feelings
Im crushing on every song
Mesmerized 24/7
By the voice of
One of the Edmonds

The music penetrates me
In ways that I never knew
I can feel see and smell
Thee final days of the last
Melody that melted my heart
Feenin'

Early Mornings

The sun rises
But I beat it
Eyes wide in the dark
Try to adjust
Fine tune
My vision
The cold hits me
As if Im in debt to it
Deep breath
The air fills my lungs
It taste like
No worries
And feels like
The coldest blanket
On hottest night
I smile
Because I hate the cold
But I love to snuggle
Hat and gloves
Im suited and booted
Get in my car
Listen to my music
It fills my soul
With memories
And premonitions
The melody encourages me
To say all the things I will never say
Songs finshed
Thoughts are diminished
Time to start my day

With grace

3:54 up to pee
Fuck it mine as well stay up
I cant go back to sleep
They say sleep is for the weak
But who are they to speak
I sleep to escape my reality
But that doesn't help much
My dreams and reality are
To much in touch

So into work I go
But there is never enough
Of anything to keep me distracted
Come early leave early
Then its me again
Alone with my thoughts
What does it really mean to be fullfilled

Everything is great
But nothing is good
Still on that journey
To no where
Not 100% sure how I got here
But I going to ride this wave
Gracefully

For Me

Something you cant pay for
Most things you cant ask for
So when something is given to me
I cherish it like
A thousand kisses
I have to admit that I have been given
So many options
But unlike most
I got to choose two
In the mist of my heartbreak
The universe first brought me you
The things you showed me about love
And how unconditional it can be
6 year later and you still got me on the
Edge of my seat
I look in your eyes
And I see me
Knowing that I am the apple of it
Ups and downs we go through
But though it all its still us plus
Which became we
And although we get a lot of criticisms
And some people think its unforgiven
Its our best life we are living and its all
FOR ME

Late Nights

Been so long
But it's a late one
Can't sleep even though
Today was a great one
Late night memories
Creep on me as the new hour arrives
11:00
12:00
1:00
2:45

Can I be Free

In attempts to love
I too fall short
How did I even get back here
UGH
I frustrate myself
Because every move I make
Is also a decision
So what have I decided
I know I made my mind up a long time ago
But cant I change it
Challenges never to seem to stray for me
They just inflate
And deflate whatever my plans were
Presenting me with more then I bargained for
And I love a good bargin
But at what cost
I mean is it truly worth
What is worth
The ego is a hard thing to strip
Which is a trip on its on
Something that needs to
Volunteered
But thats like asking a deer not to get stuck in headlight
Outta mind Outta sight
But the vibrations remain
The pull is erotic
So what is a Queen/Princess
To do
But live carfully
Because living carefree
Wont be excepted fully
Luckily I live freely inwardly

Groovy

A groove of  royalty
Just wondering if its for me
Each song specifically selected
So much I am detecting
Trying no to read beyond the words
But the melodies take me
I think I found my favorite
List to play
But what does this say
Mixed signals
But are they direct
Music is what it is
But its also a way for
One to communicate with another

A smile that cant be erased
But cant be embraced
So I just Groove

Abstract

Watching storage war
But my mind is racing
Got damn forreal
I had a good weekend
Maybe I was too fucked up
To find out what I was seeking
Asking questions
That are rhetorical
That's all I remember
Oh and the softeness
Of an embrace that
Felt like September
A force that can compare
But I've never felt more complete
A room full of love and It's mostly
For me
All the pieces of my being
No one will ever see what I'm seeing
Abstract
And I'm ok with that

Jam Session 2

Start 5:30am
-Id rather Go Blind
-It Kills Me
-So Amazing
-Spend my life
-We cant be Friends
-Nothing In this world
-My First Love
-My Little Secret
-Who Can I Run too
-They Dont Know
-Bad Habits
-Lotus Flower Bomb
-Dont Forget about Us
-End of the Road
-Angel (Amanda Perez)
-Never let You Go
-Youuuuuuuuuuu
-Lets Chill
-If I Was a Bird
-Crusin (D'Angelo)
-Butterflies(MJ)
-SuperStar
-Cater2U
-Dance For you
-All The Way Home
-Love and War
-Still in Love
-Torn
-Fumbled (first time listening) I like
-Beautiful
-Fool For You
End 9:32am

.....

Trying to find away
To stray from feelings
That seem to over flow
Sensibility sensory nerves have been
Disturbed
From a place of solace dormantcy
Not looking for diplomacy
Just trying to find a balance
When an abundance
 Of attachment has been re attached
Like a switch that never works
Until someone else flicks it

Mind trying to come up with possibilities
Putting pieces together where they dont fit
But its still a beautiful picture
Creating my own reality in my head
Because I know I can give it life there
Careful with my words because I dont want them
Misconstrued
Its hard to be understood
But at least I am heard

Grateful

For conversation
For closure
For a positivity
For clear air
For you
For growth
For smiling
For breathing
For understanding
For agreeing to dis
For memories
For pain
For lust
For the butterflies to flutter
For a space
For a place
For second changes
So whats next

Question

I have so many
Hopefully
One day I have time
To ask
It's never enough
Just a lil more

Jam Session

-Body and Soul
-Caught In The Rapture
- No one In the World
-I Apologize
-Something In My Heart
-Ribbon in the Sky
-Cant wait to be Love
-I Cant Stop loving you
-Stars
-Far Away
-It Kills Me
-Ex-Factor
-Next Lifetime
-Beauty
-All The Things
-Pretty Brown Eyes
-Can We Talk

With Much Hesitation

Listen close 

While I speak into the mic

Let me comfort you with

My words of wisdom

I will speak softly to you

With no hesitation

Im not here to judge but I

Can be your secret location

Lay your burdens on me

I promise not to throw it 

In your face

I just wanna embrace

Give you a small piece of peace

Cause I know what one truly seeks

Sit back and relax

Let my words take you for a ride

Penetrate your mind

I know you feel me

Creeping up your spine

Ill speak slow 

I will take my time

Give you time to process 

All of me

Give you a chance to see

Who I have grown into

So you can see how much of a reflection

I am of thee

Still sweeter then a honey bee

Still sting too 

Capable of loving three

See I hold within me so many

Possibilites

I can feel the frustration

Exuberating from your pores

Not saying your not happy but 

I can see in your eyes you need more

I just wanna be your ear 

I just wanna be near

I just wanna be clear

That I am indeed here

Maybe thats too much

Maybe some subjects are to touchy

Maybe

Thinking Bubble

Number hasn't changed
Hours of operation still the same
Feels like I am reaching
And I know I am
What would be said
Are we mature enough to hold a real conversation
This will always be contemplated 

Old Friends

No contact
No one really knows me
Friends are so distant
They become family
Or just a memory
Sometimes I just want
A phone call
Just to say hey how are you
Or nothing at all
I wanna reminisce on my past
But its hard to laugh
When no one is around
That can remember the time
Or sound
Late nights Early Mornings
Never enough time
Living in a bubble meant for two
Too caught up
Friends no longer
Or was it all a cover up
Because from day one I knew what
Was up
I knew I would be hurt
But I was will to take that
Risk
To loose a friend
To gain a Mrs
But that back fired too
Because rebounds are not the best way to get the ball in...
So unforgettably mistaken
Not enough time was taken
Too much faking on both ends
Now as much as I want to
I know you cant be my friend 

Almost

How to wear my hair

What outfit to where

What scent should I put on

Do I look fat

Should I smile

Dont look to interested

Dont light up like a Christmas tree

No eye contact

These are the stuggles

Of loving thee

Almost feel out my chair when I heard a knock

Almost asked

Almost got upset when I seen time dwindling 

Almost stayed later in hopes to get my fix

Almost called by accident

Almost emailed 

Almost cried

But I made it threw

Because I know I will have 

Another opportunity 

To bask

A better opportunity 

To stalk

More space to be consumed in

I feel trouble coming 

But I will attempt to contain myself

White Flag

So many times I've tried
Literally died on the inside
Trying to reach
And understand
The ice block for a shoulder
Days got longer
Everything got older
I hold on to the good times
Because there were way more of them
Then bad never were you the guy
But actions have you wondering why
Lies no but omitting the truth I must say
Letting bygones be bygones and get past
Human mistakes
Perfection doesn't look good on me
So I am sorry that I couldn't be

5 years I have waited on this testimony
Cause for me to think love didn't exist
In the mist would be phoney
What I feel is not invalid
So prominent
Its beyond evident
Without evidence
Its everything but nothing
Its necessary
Without you love cant exist
And I knew dating someone like you
I was gonna take a risk
Just didn't expect it to be so
Brisk
No regrets
I would live every moment again
If I could
And I wouldn't change a thing
Pure
Real
Untouched
Clearly Unbreakable
LOVE 831

Just Take the ....

Ive read and read
I sat and thought
I contemplated on even
Entertaining
The non sense and
Selfishness
That I have continued to witness
No matter how humble I am
I personally can own up to any
And every mistake I made
Tired of playing this recorded
But sense you stuck on never
Let me give you the remix


You quick dissed me for
A quick trick and got tricked
Now you are being emotionally dismissed
From that same trick you thought was a treat
I will no longer carry the burden of feeling like
I should a fought harder when you gave me
Your whole ass to lick
And twerked in my face with you tongue out
You degraded me and downplayed my role
In your life
"A weedhead that was just a fuck"
Think if forgot
If that's all I was why you so hurt
Why are you so salty about how I
Live my life and who I lay with


You know whats wild me and Nicole are actually cool
Never knew she could be more mature then you..
Funny


What hurt me the most is that you never
Really knew me anyway
Cause if you did
Fuck it
Im not gonna figure me out for
You
You just don't get it
You never will
But no matter how you feel
The love I had for you was real
Cant say the same to you cause you
Jumped of the first thing
Willing to fuck you over and take your money
And stress you the fuck out
But I realized I wasn't fucked up enough
To be with you to normal I  love too hard
Ill take that L
Because you gave her everything your promised me
I never got flowers but its cool
Because I knew my worth
That where you fucked up
Cause you gave me so much confidence
That yes I had too have two
And they love me more then
You will ever have the capability to
Even though they know how I feel about you
So you just goanna have to take that L